This is my question; WHY GOD?
I have whispered it, wailed it, and wondered it over and over and over again.
On my knees, with tears that fall gently and slowly, and in my tears that run non-stop, down my face and into my lap as I spew trembling, devastated words.
Why my son?
Why this way?
Why weren’t my efforts enough?
Why didn’t you answer my prayers?
Why. Why . Why God?
Each WHY I cry seems to define the hole that has been blown through my heart a little more each time; a haunting, emptiness is created and its name is void. In this void I wait; like a pleading child that wishes things are not as they are, and I wait for my Father’s answers.
Audible answers do not come.
God is sovereign.
He doesn’t have to answer me at all; who am I to question God? But, because I am His child, He is patient with all my hard questions and loves me still.
The grief period has gone and I stumble like one groping in the dark, looking for the light switch; I am in mourning.
Hope is my mantra; I stand on the Rock and recall all I know in my heart; I mourn with hope.
Over time, as I still whisper, wail, and wonder, I consider these answers:
Why my son? Why in this way? I answer, why not my son, because God uses each of us for His purpose, even if we do not understand the reasons; maybe our son, because God knew I am his mother and I would be willing to tell our terrible story so that others may be spared this trauma and maybe another son or daughter might not die?
Why weren’t my efforts enough? I answer, because I am not God. I answer, maybe it actually has nothing to do with my efforts at all… enough is a way of beating myself up and I should not go there. I know I did all I could because I am his mother and I loved him more than anyone else. Except God. God loved him more and that brings me to my last cry.
Why didn’t God answer my prayers? I answer, He did… just not the way I asked Him to; God loved Caleb so much, that he spared him anymore suffering on this earth; God freed him of his daily pain and struggles and He saved him right into heaven. What more peace can I have, than to know my son rests in the arms of Jesus?
Yes. I will mourn til the day I leave this earth and that is when I will have the audible answers.
For now, I leave you with two things:
IF you share a similar story, I encourage you to have Hope and run to God, even with all your WHY GOD questions; May you know the bigness of God’s love.