3 Ways to Endure Loss at the Holidays

My son’s football jersey lay folded on my lap; it will never be worn again. Not by my son and not by any other player on the High School football team. This is the gift offered in honoring my son’s life by the school and the team.

Determination, strategy, and looking out for your friends was my mantra to the team on Senior Banquet night as I encouraged them to be honest, stay away from drugs, and relayed my son’s struggle with addiction. Teammates, friends, of my son, received awards and applause for their contributions and accomplishments as athletes on this night; But, my son, Caleb, was not here on this night with his friends.  Speaking this message on Dec. 7, 2018, was hard.

You know what else is hard? 

Holidays. 

Holidays are very hard for those of us who grieve. Holidays magnify the loss of a loved one, no matter if they died two weeks ago, or as in my case, my son died three and a half years ago from an accidental drug overdose; the heartache is heavier around the holidays.

The hard question is: how do we endure it?

I reflect on the words I spoke to Caleb’s teammates: determination, strategy, and looking out for your friends, and believe these are totally applicable to me right now as I endure this holiday season.

Sheer determination is what it takes to stand firm and persevere through the hard emotions, just as a lineman stands planted with both feet on the ground and all his weight pressed forward against the opposition that tries to plow him over. As the opposing teammate pushes against the lineman, hard emotions push against us who grieve and try to knock us down.

Strategy is key. A team does not go out on the field for a play without a strategy. Likewise, we who grieve need a strategy; what plan do we have to help us navigate the holidays when emotions run wild? My strategy is this:

1. Allow and accept the emotions; it’s okay.
2. Keep traditions; they provide stability.
3. Invite others in; don’t isolate.

Lastly, look out for your friends. 

Two-fold, this applies to those of us who grieve, as well as those who watch people grieve. I find when I am feeling low, the best remedy for rising up out of the dark places is to focus on lifting someone else up. This brings me joy: Jesus, Others, Yourself. In this order, I find healing.

If you are watching someone grieve, look out for them by sitting with their emotions, with them. Do not negate them or brush them under the rug, and never say, “you should be over this by now.” (Fact: people do not “get-over” missing their loved one).  Include and invite: open your door for purposeful dates with those friends and speak about their loved one with them in a natural way of remembering; this is healing for us who grieve.

Determination, strategy, and looking out for your friends are three prompts I gave to the football team, friends of my son, Caleb, to spur positive and healthy life beyond the field. They are the same prompts I offer to you so that you may not only endure this holiday season, but have joy too!

Eeyore on the Soapbox

Eeyore is at least consistent.

Always blue, always tired, always with a harrumphing attitude, and yet, he is consistently steady. Plodding along, he still remains in friendship and in going about daily life as best he can. And the best part: he is always loved. The bear, the pig, and the owl alongside the sincerely empathizing boy seem ready to stand by him no matter what.

I am feeling it as the holiday season begins. Yes, I am feeling a bit Eeyore-ish.

Feeling a bit blue about my life situation dealing with residual side effects after surviving my second round of a cancer earlier this year; feeling a bit tired of missing my son who died suddenly just over three and a half years ago; and feeling a bit harumph-ish about writing: does it really matter if I write anyway?

And yet, I plod on, because, well, here I am: writing. Better late than never… August was a while ago.

I am an Eeyore on a Soapbox today.

I am here to tell you to plod on, keep in friendship, keep going forward in living, and remember: you are always loved.

Loss, illness, disappointments, fears, frustrations and hard stuff will always be part of this life. Not one of us gets to escape these things. The storms hit us all and we all get wet, wind-whipped, sand in the eye, and pinged by frozen ice sometimes. Like Eeyore, we all want a new tail because we think it will make things better.

But, a new tail won’t change a thing.

You want to know what changes things?

Good friends, found in both our biological family and in our community family. You know the ones; they are the ones that love you no matter what. Stay close to them, don’t push them away. Be with them even when you don’t really feel like it and let them be with you. This is my encouraging advice to you today. Guaranteed, it will make your daily living so much better.

Even more,

… even still, remember you are always loved.

Jesus loves you better, more deeply, and forever.

I am standing on the Soapbox now. I am hoping it matters that I write anyway.

Jesus came for the Eeyore’s like you and me, the downcast and disheartened people. And he tells us, cast your cares upon me because I care for you.

Jesus is the only one who can lift your chin up so it stays up. He alone gives you the sustaining strength to be transformed. A relationship with Jesus enables you to do more than plod along wishing for a new tail in life. Take courage my friends, Jesus loves you and cares for you just as you are, as an old Hymn says: “Jesus take me as I am, I can come no other way.” Transparent, it is just how Jesus wants us; bring your mess, your woes, and all that makes you weep. He is waiting and wanting to hug you close.

Eeyore’s,

unite with me and come to Jesus; this is my invitational gift to you this holiday season.

Though I still feel Eeyore-ish at times, I feel loved at all times and my chin stays up, even without a new tail.

Thoughts? Questions? Feel free to contact me.

Are You Sure Your Kid Isn’t Using Drugs?

If someone asked me that when my kids entered their teen years, I would flat out have said,

Of course my kids don’t do drugs. I raised them better than that.

I home educated all but one of my kids all the way from kindergarten through graduating High School, just one son attended four years at the local high school. We were a family immersed in church life and Christian summer camps and family camps filled many vacations. We were a close family and I knew my kids knew right from wrong and smart from stupid.

And, yes, I believe they did know all we taught them, even as more than one of them succumbed to using drugs and drinking.

Curiosity.

Peer pressure.

Life challenges leading to desire for escape…

All these things played a part into the experimenting and dabbling with things my kids knew they should not have even touched.

So, I ask again, are you sure your kid isn’t using drugs?

I ask, because today is NATIONAL OVERDOSE AWARENESS DAY.

I ask, because one of my dear young sons overdosed three and half years ago at the age of 19.

Before that, I never knew National Overdose Awareness Day even existed.

Please don’t think it can’t happen to your family. I thought the same and the devastation of my sons death blew me away and woke me to a reality that is continuing to devastate so many families in our culture right now.

It wasn’t a sudden thing; it was a slow thing. It began with curiosity mixed with peer pressure. I know for a fact that the drinking began within the church youth friendship group. I know for a fact, the drugs were introduced on the sports teams my kids played on at the public High School.

The problem was, that for many teens, it was just an experimentation and dabbling for the sake of fun; everyone tries something in their teens, right? The kids my kids tried things with, for the most part, had no long lasting issues remain. Even among my own kids, most of them had no lingering issues.

But the problem was, for my son Caleb, it affected him differently because he had a predisposition for addiction. And he was caught by the beast of addiction slowly but surely and by the time he was in over his head, we, his parents were just beginning to be aware of his using and even still we were in denial. We knew too little, too late, because we were so unaware of what to look for or that it could happen to our family.

Again, are you sure your kid isn’t using drugs?

If you have the slightest inkling, do not deny it.

If your kid has slacked off school, or chores, or hygiene, or cooperation, or conversation, or become moody…

If you have found plastic baggies, or burnt spoons, or empty straw-like insides of pens, or bottle caps, or odd shaped glass pipes, or unidentifiable pills, or small propane lighters…

pay attention!

Talk to your kid, talk to a professional, call your local DART program at the police station, or call your local Recovery Center for help and advice.

Be sure. Be wise. Be proactive.

Because if your kid is caught by the beast of addiction, he or she needs your help and needs it fast.

My heart forever aches.

I share with you today, this post, because I wish for no other momma to ache in their heart like I do.

Why Was My Son Born Anyway?

Why was my son born anyway, if only to die about a month shy of 20 years old??

As I reflect on his birthday today, I am plagued in my heart to ponder this question. You see, when you have a child who dies too soon, according to our human time understanding, the weirdest questions fill your mind.

So, why was my son born anyway?

Before I allow pity to plow me down emotionally…

Before I allow anger to atrophy my heart…

Before I allow despair to dump me into the pit…

I must turn my mind to wisdom and truth.

My son was born for a purpose, just as each of us is born for a purpose.

I believe his purpose was not to be overwhelmed by mental illness, or become addicted to substances and then be overcome by them, or to hurt anyone…

especially not his mom, or dad, or siblings, or family, or friends.

He loved us all.

So, what was his purpose?

It is my understanding, that we humans are born to do two things: to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.

Did my son, Caleb, do these things?

I believe yes, even in his suffering and brokenness he did these things.

Wait….

…especially enduring these things!

He glorified God by loving Creation; He loved to walk and hike and be still in the quiet of Creation, especially with another sibling or friend alongside.

He glorified God by his gentleness with people, especially those who struggled or were left out; He was described by his best friend: “Caleb was the type of person who would be with you, even if you couldn’t be with your own self.” Isn’t that just like our Lord?

He glorified God by running the race, literally. He used his body to it’s fullest alongside teammates, encouraging them and setting an example of physical perseverance and comradery – he led as a captain who cared more for the person than the win.

He glorified God by loving his family especially. He loved “home” and always wanted to know where everyone was and wanted to be part of the activity in the family God placed him in, and as I found out later, he too had a knack of “just being” with a sibling in a way that gave unsaid support and love.

Basically, he loved people. And, that glorified God because that’s just what Jesus is all about.

Even in his suffering and brokenness he did these things.

And he did more.

He taught me so many things in his suffering and brokenness.

He helped me learn unconditional love.

He helped me see people more as God sees people.

He broke down stigma for me and helped me to understand people who struggle with addiction and other issues that overwhelm.

He helped me to humble myself before God and Trust Him more.

In his suffering and brokenness, he glorified God by showing me more of who God is.

Imagine that?

My son was born to love people in his life path and show me (and maybe he did others too) more of who God is. Yes, he had a purpose while he lived his 19 years.

And, because he made a decision to keep Jesus in his heart when he was a younger teen, he is now enjoying God forever, literally.

No time for pity, anger or despair today!

It’s my son’s birthday today and I rejoice in the memories of who he was and choose to love him for all he did that was good. Yes, mistakes were made, pain was involved… first for him, then for us all who loved him… and I wish many things could have had a different outcome.

BUT,

He fulfilled good purposes while he lived, even still.

So, I live today, being reminded, because of his birth,… that I need to do the same with the days God is allowing me: to love others, all others, no matter what. And, to enjoy God forever, keeping him in my heart, assuring me a place in heaven too.

May you who read this post be spurred on to love like Jesus does.

Suffering is Necessary

Blood dripped and flowed from multiple places on his body.

My sandal once caught on the rim of a step and caused me to fall head-first into the corner bead of a wall. Blood spurted and oozed down my entire forehead and cheek , covering half my face by the time I got to the bathroom mirror to asses the damage: a one inch slice to my skin.

So, I imagine…

Blood dripped and flowed from multiple places on his body as HE hung there by three spiked nails. I wonder how much clean, untainted flesh was left during those last hours, if there was any at all.

My pain was localized and gave me a headache for a few hours even after I was cleaned up, stitched up, and sent home.

I cannot fathom the pain he suffered after being up all night and beaten and dragged and whipped and slung onto the wood and nailed and hauled up for all to see as he heaved each breath of air.

THAT.

That is the epitome of suffering.

And WHY?

That’s the question I have asked myself many times during trials of suffering.

Suffering, upon suffering, upon suffering.

Was birthing a stillborn baby not enough?

Was having colorectal cancer not enough?

Was losing a young adult son to drug overdose not enough?

And now I have breast cancer…. is this enough? My experience tells me, no. There will be more suffering to come.

Why all this suffering in my life? Why all the suffering in your life?

Pondering this for years, I have an answer – maybe not the only answer, but I think its a pretty good answer.

The answer begins with a question:

Why did Jesus suffer to die on the cross?

Anyone who has attended Sunday School or church for a season knows the answer: Jesus died for us, for our sins, so we can go to heaven. This is exactly what I told my children as I raised them in the Way.

How quickly, in our own suffering, it is to forget that and cry, why Lord, am I suffering?

If we are to emulate Jesus in all we do, it clearly follows logically, that if Jesus suffered for the benefit of others then our suffering just might be for the benefit of others. And, because Jesus knows suffering, He authentically pours out compassion on us during our sufferings.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

I lost a baby and I was later able to comfort three young moms who lost babies too.

I had cancer and I was able to publish a book on the survival of that and share my testimony of hope.

I mourn a son who died from a drug overdose and have been able to write and speak publicly about that tragedy, offering heartfelt comfort to others.

The been-there-I-know-club is necessary for authentic compassion; Jesus is the King of that club!

I am currently halfway through breast cancer treatments and I know that God has at least one somebody He will soon put in my path for me to encourage in this kind of fight.

Yes. Suffering is necessary.

I am no savior by any means. But Jesus is my Savior, your Savior, if you choose Him.

Jesus’ suffering work on the cross is finished; one day His work through each of us will be finished as well, but until that day comes, I encourage you to keep your eyes focused on Him who knows it all and be ready to wrap your arms around someone else’s shoulders and offer authentic compassion from your been-there-I-know heart.